If you ever think you’re weird then remember what my dad said today: 

What? You’re not weird. You’re the normal one. Everyone else is weird.

I blame my parents for my weirdness

  • Me: *enters living room*
  • Me: What are you doing?
  • Dad: Watching stuff blow up in slow motion. Join me.
  • Me: But I have homewor
  • Dad: SIT DOWN AND WATCH THIS WATERMELON BLOW UP NOW

for some reason I can’t quite trust a man whose eyelashes are so full that it looks like he’s wearing eyeliner

all these people from my country following me makes me nervous because there’s a bigger chance of running into each other and them knowing how weird i actually am

When your fax machine starts ringing:

We have a fax machine?

Who uses a fax machine?!

Talking to an actress on a film set

  • Actress: When I was younger I had to walk through a creepy park and just in case someone wanted to rape me, I carried a condom with me so I could give it to them, lay down and just say: "Take me, but be quick."
  • Everyone else: *laughing*
  • Actress: And sometimes, when passing a bunch of weird men, I'd just twitch from time to time so they wouldn't bother me.
  • Everyone else: *stomach muscles hurting*
  • Actress: And I also had this plan that when someone started chasing me, I'd start skipping and yelling: "Catch me! Catch me!"
  • Everyone else: *death caused by lack of oxygen*
  • When someone asks me: So, you like watching movies?
  • What I answer: Yes, one could say I'm an ardent follower and admirer of motion pictures.
  • What I mean: OH MY GOD I LOVE FILMS SO MUCH I WANT TO TAKE THEM OUT TO DINNER AND HAVE WHAT THEY'RE HAVING AND HAVE SUCH A NICE TIME THAT IT'LL FEEL LIKE WE'RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE AND THEN PAY FOR THEIR MEAL BECAUSE IT'S ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR WATSON AND AFTER CUDDLE WITH THEM ON THE COUCH THAT'S MADE OF THE STUFF THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF AND BEFORE I LEAVE PROMISE THEM THAT I'LL BE BACK AND YEARS LATER WHEN WE'RE REMINISCING WE'LL KNOW THAT WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS AND ALSO THAT THEY'LL ALWAYS BE MY PRECIOUS AND IGNORE WHAT OTHERS THINK OF US BECAUSE FRANKLY, MY DEAR, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN, BECAUSE NOBODY'S PERFECT.

Sometimes I wonder if posts ever feel dirty…

Being reblogged by so many people, I mean.

  • Me: I wonder if I start behaving even stranger at school... Maybe the teachers wouldn't pay so much attention to me.
  • Me: You know, like there's the quite one whom everyone just leaves alone because of the quietness.
  • Me: And the one who won't shut up so everyone just tries to ignore him.
  • Me: So maybe if I started wearing really weird clothes, talking to myself and making Supernatural and Doctor Who references every 5 seconds... Maybe, just maybe, they'd leave me be.
  • Me:
  • Me:
  • Me: Shit, I already do all of those things.

The moment the cashiers at your local store start giving you weird looks because 80% of the times you go in there you buy only pop corn:

Walking down the street alone at night singing Disney songs because you can

Friend: “When you feel that your stomach is aching try not to move because otherwise your spleen might explode.”

Me:

Every time I show someone something I find brilliant: